The Masterplan
by Cool Steve
Summary: Arnold is up to his old tricks again, trying to make Lila “like him like him”. But will he actually succeed this time? Will his scheme of operations finally move himself into Lila’s heart? Read and find out! [Part 3 of 3: Complete with DVD commentary!]
1. Introduction

_**Introduction**_

You could say this is my newest HA! fanfiction in a while, but in reality you'd be dead wrong. "The Masterplan" has a long and somewhat lengthy history to it which I'd like to share, just for you to see the effort I put in to this little story before it was perfected enough to be posted here.

"The Masterplan" is a story I first started typing primarily between October 25-27, 2003. It was my first real venture in writing a short HA! story, and my first real creative writing experience since sixth grade. I was never happy with how things ended with Arnold and Lila in the series, and I was provoked to write my own story of how that crush came to an end. This story is post-confession, so Arnold knows Helga's "secret". Even though the episode "_Timberly Loves Arnold"_ was the official ending to the Arnold and Lila relationship, this is my version of the Lila era coming to an end.

So, why did this story take over two years to be released on the Internet? Well, at the time of writing this fic, I was heavily reading Shaun Blankenship's (a.k.a. MDT) notable HA! fanfictions. Check out his fanfiction dot net profile, as he is a marvelously creative talent that deserves a lot more kudos than he usually receives. His HA! fics always entertained me, and he was my first real dose of HA! fanfiction before I discovered this place. I guess I should owe him some thanks, as he somewhat inspired me to start writing. Its ashame he doesn't seem to write HA! fics anymore, but he sure did go out with a bang. I strongly recommend to EVERYONE that you read his fic "Same In The End", the first HA! fic posted here to exceed one hundred-thousand words (and it only got a humble 65 reviews), and one of his last HA! fics to date. While others come close, his fic remains #1 on my list of all time favorite _Hey Arnold!_ fanfics.

Like all stories I have thought of in my head, I thought of the ending first, and then worked backwards, but it didn't come out as planned. After I finished the fic, I wasn't satisfied at all. It was a good concept – but was just not written well enough to suit the idea, and the story lacked energy and wit. It was a mundane piece of fiction in my opinion, but of course when it comes to things like this you are your own worse critic. I felt it all had to be re-written, and even felt like scraping the whole thing. Soon after, I mailed the fic to Shaun basically saying I thought it was somewhat crap and if he could please read it over. By this time I had read the fic countless times over and I needed a fresh pair of eyes to access the story. I needed major help, and relied on Shaun's expertise in writing to improve my story.

Over the next couple of months, we exchanged many e-mails on the subject. He did a great deal of work revising this fic in several areas so it made more sense and ran smoother. I owe a VERY big thanks to Shaun for modifying and breathing new life into a fic I thought was a failure. And to quote him form an old LiveJournal post…

_I promised this guy named Steve I'd finish revising this Hey Arnold story he did today that I've been holding on to for like two months. I've done it halfway but I haven't finished, but I've laced it full of my Shaun Blankenship-esque flare of comedy and storytelling and turned it into Pulitzer Prize-worthy material ready for acclaim from all forms of professional critics. I'm not saying it was bad, I'm just saying it's been Shaunified. Yeah! Shaunified!_

I couldn't have put it better myself. Thanks for the "Shaunification".

Now, in truth, the story was practically done by April 2004. BUT, it still had small inconsistencies within it and these were preventing me from posting this fic in all its glory. Of course, I wanted to pass any concerns over to Shaun, and unfortunately his replying time to my e-mails grew greatly over that year, which grew into a big and chaotic mess of mixed up mails. I couldn't even explain how complicated it got. As for me, I was busy with the events of life (good and bad) and whatnot and the story was put on the backburner for the time being. During this time, I made sure to mail Shaun from time to time about how "The Masterplan" (as it was now called) was _so_ close to being uploaded, I just needed to run some things by him first.

By late January 2005 I had finally gotten a reply back to a lengthy e-mail I sent out, in which had, what I thought, were the remaining errors in "The Masterplan". My last read over of the story was on (from my date of the original file on my computer) February 14, 2005. It was sometime then that I discovered some more tiny inconsistencies that needed to be fixed, and then…**BANG!** Everything came to a crashing halt because on March 29, 2005, my laptop's old hard drive bearing this story died a sudden and harsh death. Luckily, I still had the file on backup, but now the fic was on definite hiatus until I could get a new computer and get all my files (and head) together.

This event screwed everything up. I was still waiting on a reply back from Shaun on a mail I sent sometime in March 2005 (detailing the last things I needed to be cleared up, along with some attachments explaining some various theories pertaining to certain things in the story). I knew I had lost the attachments right away after the laptop died, but it wasn't until months later that I realized I never had a copy of that last e-mail I sent Shaun! Now I had no idea what I wrote to him, so how could I finish the story until he replied back with all the lost materials? Over the next couple months, I'd drop Shaun an e-mail every so often reminding him to please write back. Another good part of the fic being delayed was, unfortunately, Shaun's time to reply back to that last e-mail.

By September/October 2005 I had finally gotten my new computer together and was surprised how time flew. It was already the two year anniversary from when I first started typing the story, and frankly I was getting annoyed it still wasn't online. Moreover, the fandom towards HA! had taken a significant dive online and it seemed to be drying up more and more everyday. I had just about sent a mail to Shaun every month hoping he'd reply. By the start of December, I confirmed that I'd release the story on Valentine's Day 2006 since the basis of the story revolves around that day. It was perfect timing, and so I sent out another mail to Shaun in mid December and hoped and prayed he'd get back to me within the two months.

In the end, I never did get that reply. But I couldn't wait any longer to post the story, even though I still wasn't one hundred percent satisfied with it. I sent two more mails in January 2006, but no avail – it seemed he was too busy and lost track of time. Of course, if he ever did reply after the story was posted, I could always re-post everything – I just didn't want it to come to that as he had almost a year in which he could have replied to that mail. All this stuff aside, I still thank him for what he did – he made me see the story for what it was. I have become a better writer because of him, as he taught me how to write better stories and how to focus more on the "in-between" and "off-camera" moments in a story to make it feel more realistic. He liked to get things across in a character's dialogue, not author's narrative; how to work different elements into a story for it to work and read better. I learned from the best. Now the story works and I can see it clear in my head, like an episode from the show.

Now, at first I know you're going to say, "It's in script format!" I don't understand why this is ever a problem. As stated, I was reading Shaun's fics at the time and their influence is in this story – and almost all of his stories were in script format. Script format is a perfectly applicable way of writing a story that's more comedic slapstick. For more drama, a more traditional story format would be better. I also spilt the story into three parts, as it is too long to be posted as a one-shot and too short to be a chaptered story.

I know for a fact if this story had been posted two years ago, when the HA! fandom was still more active, this story probably would have gotten more reviews than it will now. But I guess I'll just have to wait and see on that, won't I? ;-)


	2. Part 1

It's the month of February at PS 118. Love is in the air with Valentine's Day being a day away, along with the school's Valentine's semi-formal dance coming up on Friday. Arnold is planning to go with a certain "ever so perfect" girl.

SCENE: _On the bus heading to PS 118. Arnold and Gerald are in their usual seat, along with all the other kids. Gerald is listening to his latest CD. Arnold is staring out the window, looking on at the passers by._

Gerald: (Singing along to music.) _Uh-uh-uh, come on, girl_… _shake ya tail now_…

Arnold: (Taps Gerald on shoulder.) Hey, Gerald.

Gerald: (Lifting headphones.) You've got a lot of nerve interrupting my Fluff Father CD.

Arnold: Sorry. You know the Valentine's semi-formal is this Friday, right?

Gerald: (Takes his headphones off.) Didn't we have this same conversation once before? In fact, I think this is the same bus and same seat we were sitting in too… which means that there must be a glitch in the mat…

Arnold: (Arms crossed.) Do you think I should ask… you know… to the dance?

Gerald: This is getting _really_ old, Arnold. I don't know how many times I have to punt it through that football-head of yours that Lila doesn't _like you_ like you, she just "likes you".

Arnold: Well, yeah, but we can't forget that at one time…

Gerald: Ruth.

Arnold: What?

Gerald: What about you and Ruth? After you actually met her, you didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore.

Arnold: (Pauses for a moment.) Who's Ruth again?

Gerald: I don't even know why I bother.

Arnold: What do you think though?

Gerald: I don't know. I myself do not think that she'll accept, but then again I think you'll probably stumble over yourself asking her… no offence.

Arnold: Not this time, Gerald. This time I will change her mind. One way or another, she will be mine, Gerald. Oh yes, she will be mine.

Gerald: Sure Arnold. By the way, I left the copy of _Wayne's World_ I got from Video Palace at your house. My dad says that if we don't get it back to them by tomorrow, I'm gonna be grounded for a week.

Arnold: (Has his devious planning face on, sort of a Mr. Burns hand thing going when he says "excellent". Totally oblivious to what Gerald said.) Yes…

Gerald: Arnold? Arnold? _Arnold!_

Arnold: Huh? Oh, sorry Gerald. I was just thinking about my masterplan.

Gerald: Masterplan?

Arnold: Yeah, the whole scheme of operations in which I shall finally move my way into Lila's heart.

Gerald: (A little puzzled.) Okay… okay… Sounds like you're gonna take your game to another level.

Arnold: Another level? Nuh-uh, Gerald. This is a totally different game. This is a completely different language! This is a… (Bus screeches its brakes and Arnold is interrupted by being slammed into the seat in front of him.)

Gerald: This is where we stop.

SCENE: _PS 118 cafeteria, beginning of lunch. Arnold is steadily writing something down on a piece of paper; Gerald comes over with his lunch tray. Before he sits down, he says…_

Gerald: Hey Arnold, you gotta try the mystery meat. It's actually not half bad. (Sits down and takes a bite.) It kind of reminds me of… a mix between lamb and lobster. I'm gonna start calling it lambster.

Arnold: (Writing.) Sure.

Gerald: (Aware that Arnold's not listening.) I also played chess with a werewolf on the moon last hour.

Arnold: Not that much.

Gerald: Are you even on this planet today?

Arnold: (Looks up.) Oh, sorry. I'm just busy working out the details of my masterplan.

Gerald: Arnold, why do you torture yourself over this one girl? I mean there are tons of others you could choose from. There's… well there's… um, that… no. What about… nah… Have you ever thought about looking into another school district?

Arnold: I don't want some other girl. I'm the perfect match for Lila.

Gerald: Match? Please, Arnold, you two are totally different people, totally opposite. It's like pairing up a cat with a dog… and not one of those cat-friendly beagles, one of those hard, tear a kitten in half junkyard mutts. (Takes a big piece of mystery meat and starts chompin' away.)

Arnold: But opposites attract.

Gerald: (Mouth full of food.) Isn't that a Paula Abdul song?

Arnold: (Thinks for a minute.) Wow, it is… why do I know this?

Gerald: You two have nothing in common.

Arnold: But that's what makes a great relationship work. What's the point in hanging around someone who's exactly the way that you yourself act? You want someone completely different to add some excitement in the time you spend together.

Gerald: But it also means that the two of you will have plenty to disagree about.

Arnold: Look, the main thing is this masterplan can't fail. It's fool proof.

Gerald: I hope so, 'cause you're one big fool. (Rim shot.) Did you just hear that?

Arnold: It happens all the time, I've tuned it out. Hey! Anyway, here's what I got planned. Number one – Rent a limo…

Gerald: Whoa, whoa! This is a Valentine's Day dance, not a Senior Prom! Where are you going to get the money for a limo anyway?

Arnold: Eugene's uncle is a driver for the limo service here in town. I asked if he could cut me a deal.

Gerald: Eugene's uncle? Are you sure that's a good idea?

Eugene: (Walking by with lunch tray, trips over his untied shoelace and falls to the ground, his face landing right into the mystery meat.) I'm okay. (Some anonymous kids walk over his head and push his face down even further into his food.) Okay, _that_ may have broken my nose.

Helga: (She's sitting at her usual table with Phoebe looking over at all fallen Eugene…) Poor, poor loser. (…then her eyes shift to Arnold as she listens to his conversation with Gerald.)

Arnold: (Heard from Helga's table.) Number two – Pick up Lila at her house and surprise her with a bouquet of carnations.

Gerald: I'm _so_ surprised.

Arnold: What? Flowers are a necessity, even with a small dance like this.

Gerald: Yeah, but _carnations?_

Helga: Lila! Mmm, what is that football-head up too? Probably going to ask Little Miss Can't-Be-Wrong to the dance. Hmpf! Why does he bend his back over her? I can't stand his persistence. I can't stand the way he ogles over her. I can't stand the way his hair parts at that little blue hat! And yet… (Looks around, Phoebe's face is buried in a trigonometry book. Takes out her locket.) I admire his persistence. I admire that he has enough love in him to obsess over one undyingly. And the hat really takes your eyes off his football-shaped head and more into his soul. I love his spirit of never giving up, never giving in, even if all the odds are stacked against him. (Caressing locket in hands.) Oh, my precious Arnold, why can't _I_ be your object of affection?

Brainy: (Creeping up into an empty chair beside Helga.) Wheeze, wheeze, wheeze.

Helga: (Her fist is making a direct line to Brainy's face, but she turns her head and stops her fist just as it is going to make impact.) Brainy, what happened to your glasses?

Brainy: Wheeze, wheeze, wheeze. Uh… contacts. Wheeze, wheeze, wheeze.

Helga: Hmm. I must admit you look good without them Brainy. (Leaning into his face, teasing him.) Like a blonde-haired Brendan Fraser.

Brainy: (Heart is thumping like a jackhammer, he's sweating like a cold can of Coke on a hot summer's day.)

Helga: (Slowly takes her hand down the side of Brainy's face.) You know, a girl could get used to a face like that.

Brainy: (Heart is pumping off the charts. His contacts pop out and one hits a messy Eugene just getting up from his incident in his face, and sends him back down into the meat. Brainy blacks out and slides limply out of the chair.)

Helga: (Looks at her watch.) Not bad for a lightweight. Usually I expect 'em to go down a little quicker, but he put up a good fight.

Phoebe: (Puts her book down and looks over.) Helga, what'd you do?

Helga: (Very casually.) Me, I didn't do anything. Ol' Betsy's on a holiday today. I've just lost the drive to punch.

Phoebe: Huh… (Puts her book back up.)

Helga: (Aside.) Now back to the issue at hand. I gotta stop Lila from going along with Arnold to the dance, but how? I mean, what if this time she actually gives in? What if _this_ time his hair-brain scheme will actually work? I can't let it happen! He _will_ be mine! Oh, yes, he will be… (Bowl of pudding flies through the air and hits Helga in the face. She scowls over at Harold pointing at her and laughing.)

Harold: I told you I could make it from here! Where's that chocolate milk?

Sid: (I'm not so sure off the top of my head who he sits with besides Stinky, but in this story he's sitting with Harold _and_ Stinky.) Here. (Hands him the chocolate milk off of his tray.)

Harold: All right! Hey, how much you wanna bet I can hit her with _this_ from here?

Helga: (Wipes off most of the pudding with her hand in a large stripe going down her face.) Betsy, you're clocking in some overtime. (She gets up from her table.)

Arnold: (Back at their table. While they are talking, faintly in the background you can hear the noises of punches and Harold screaming mercy.) Okay fine, I'll get roses instead of the carnations.

Gerald: All carnations say is that you couldn't afford roses anyway, and you're already going all out with the limo. Besides, girls dig roses.

Arnold: You know, for someone who has all this romantic type advice, you sure don't use it on anyone.

Gerald: Oh, believe me, Arnold, I'll use it… (Looks over at Phoebe.) …eventually. (Phoebe pops her head out of her book. He smiles, she smiles. Helga sits back down.)

Helga: Phoebe, ya got any paper?

Phoebe: (Disturbed.) Huh? Oh, paper? Yeah. (Reaches in a binder and pulls a sheet out.) Here you go.

Helga: Thanks. (Phoebe puts her face back in her book.) Let's see, number one in my list of priorities – _DESTROY LILA_! Nah, to messy… and complicated. Cops would be swarming the house. They'd probably also catch Bob for all of his parking violations too. I'd _never_ hear the end of _that_ one.

Arnold: (Back at their table.) Number three – Memorize some cheesy yet romantic one-liners and woo her.

Gerald: (Hand on forehead.) Are you trying to sound like some John Hughes movie?

Arnold: Number four – Get the DJ to play some songs from these CDs of slow dance music. (Hands Gerald the CDs.)

Gerald: _Slow Sultry Hits of the 70s_ and _Romantic Ballads of the 80s_? Nah, that ain't happenin'. DJs will take requests, but they won't throw on CDs that you hand them.

Arnold: They won't?

Gerald: If they did that, nobody would need DJs; they'd just trust the good people at K-Tel.

Arnold: Number five – Make an overall great impression on Lila and get a goodnight kiss.

Gerald: (Going through the CD tracks.) Chicago? Debbie Gibson? Air Supply? What kind of junk do you listen to! Barry White? …Actually, he _is_ pretty good… but not _this_ song!

Arnold: We're past that, and with that said, Gerald, there lies my masterplan. (Lays paper out on table.)

Gerald: I think you're delusional if you think Lila will ever change her opinion of you. I also have no idea exactly how you are going to "make a great impression" so well that she'll kiss you. Here, have some mystery meat. (Gives Arnold a slice of meat.)

Arnold: (Gives Gerald a "you think you're _so_ funny" stare and eats the meat.) Wow, that is good. It kind of tastes like… a mix between meatloaf and a cheese Danish.

SCENE: _It's Thursday, Valentine's Day. The semi-formal is the next day (Why, because that's the only day Wartz could schedule it on, and gives me an alibi if you were wondering why the dance was after the actual day.) We join the kids in class, making and passing out their Valentine's._

Mr. Simmons: Remember everyone; I want you to put all the effort you can into these cards and give them that extra special touch. When you're dealing with something of this magnitude, it should express how you feel towards that special somebody, and give him or her that warm… special feeling inside.

Gerald: I swear, one of these days I'm just gonna start a tally of how many times this guy says "special".

Arnold: (Putting the finishing touches on his Valentine to Lila.) With this card, Gerald, I'll ask Lila out to the semi-formal and my plan will begin.

Gerald: I thought the limo was the first step of the plan.

Arnold: Yeah, but I needed to fill the void where number four was. Any way you slice it, this is a sure-fire way for me to win her over.

Gerald: Whatever you say Arnold.

Arnold: Why is it called a semi-formal anyway? Why don't they just call it a school dance?

Gerald: It's a semi-formal occasion, which means you're supposed to dress up, but not like you're going to a church or anything. It's like a casual sort of dance. A mix between dressing up like a gentleman… and dressing up like you do now.

Arnold: Hmm. Cool.

Helga: (On the other side of the class, she's making a Valentine shaped like Arnold's head, writing out a little poem on it.)

_A is for your absolute willingness to put others before yourself.  
__R is for the roaring and raging feeling I get whenever I see you.  
__N is for the naughty thoughts I think about if I ever were to get you alone.  
__O is for the outstanding kiss I got to plant on your red-hot lips.  
__L is for the love I wish you would return to me some day.  
__And D is for_… doi_, as always._

Arnold: (The kids start passing out the Valentine's. He walks over to Lila's desk.) Hi, Lila.

Lila: Oh, hi, Arnold.

Arnold: This is for you, I made it with that extra (mimicking Mr. Simmons) "special" touch. Heh-heh… (She isn't laughing, his smile fades.) Anyway, this is for you. (Hands Lila the card.)

Lila: Oh, Arnold, you're just ever so quaint. (She takes the Valentine and starts reading.)

_"Dearest Lila, will you be mine?  
Will you be my Valentine?  
May I take you to the moon? May I take you to the stars?  
May I have a picnic with you on Mars?  
What I'm trying to say, with all my might,  
Will you be my date for the dance tomorrow night?"_

Lila: That is just ever so cute Arnold.

Arnold: So how about it Lila. Will you be my date for the dance?

Lila: (Pauses, doesn't know what do to, doesn't want to hurt his feelings.) Why, I'm sure I would just love to be your date for the dance.

Arnold: Okay, well, I understand… wait, you said yes? (She smiles and nods.) Yes! (Does a "puntish schwing" kind of body gesture.) I mean... (Regaining his dignity.) thank you so much, Lila, I promise you won't regret your choice. How about I pick you up at seven?

Lila: Seven it is.

Arnold: Great. (Lost for words.) Um… I'll let you get back to what you were… uh… doing… (Walks back over to his desk. Seconds later, Lila gets a Valentine from Helga. With a little bit of a surprised look, she takes the black, heart shaped Valentine and reluctantly starts reading as Helga sits back down at her desk.)

_"Dearest Lila, watch your step.  
You ain't seen nothing yet.  
May I send you to the moon? May I make you see stars?  
May I kick the crap out of you on Mars?  
What I'm trying to say, with all my might,  
You better not be at that dance tomorrow night."_

Lila: (She puts the card down and looks up at Helga, who gives her a dirty look and does a strangling motion with her fists. Lila slumps in her chair.) Why me?


	3. Part 2

SCENE: _Arnold_'_s in his room getting ready for the dance. He's listening to some music, doing up his hair. He puts on a white shirt along with a navy blue tie and a black suit coat, along with some casual black pants (basically his "April Fool's Day" suit) and sneakers (Hey, it is _semi_-formal, and who can dance in tight dress shoes?)._

Arnold: (Singing along.) _You spin me right round baby, right round like a record baby, right round, round, round_…

Phil: (Walks into the room.) How ya doin', short-man? You're looking as slick as a greasy burger at the Stop-N-Munch down the street. Got a date with one of your little friends tonight?

Arnold: Sure do, Grandpa. I'm gonna sweep her off her feet. I got the whole thing planned out.

Phil: You know, Arnold, you should just let things happen and take it slow. Don't be in such a hurry to get things done. You start planning things out and soon everything is a mess. (Building rage.) Then you're eighty-one and you've ended up married to a woman who thinks the song "It's Raining Men" was a weather advisory set to music; running a dead-end, rat-infested boarding house with crabby boarders, with a water heater that never works! _And there's always a clogged pipe or a cracked window that needs fixing! Every time I think I'm out, they keep pulling me_ _back in! _(Arnold stares at Phil, blinks at him in plain, dumbfounded confusion. Phil calms down.) You're young though; you have plenty of time to make things right. (He starts to leave.) Remember Arnold, nothing ever goes as planned. Believe me, I'm living proof! (Insert funny sound effect here, maybe a slide whistle or something.)

Pookie: (Calling from downstairs.) Dinner's ready! Come get your Eye of Newt stew! _Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha_…

Phil: Ugh! I _was_ planning on eating nothing tonight. Coming, Pookie!

SCENE: _Phoebe's house, in her room. She's getting ready for the dance. (And if you don't know who she is going with, you should be shot… repeatedly.) Helga is there, in her standard spying gear (black jeans, hat and sweater). She has told of her own masterplan to Phoebe who is trying to talk her out of it._

Phoebe: (Sitting in front of one of those lit up vanity mirrors.) Helga, why don't you just talk to Lila about why you don't want her going to the semi-formal with Arnold?

Helga: Talk? Now you're sounding like the football-head. The time for talk is over, Feebs, she knows how I feel about Arnold and yet she still leads him on. She's evil and manipulative and must be stopped. (Grabs a super soaker off of the floor and pumps it once.)

Phoebe: Well, you're getting yourself worked up over nothing, I bet she won't even go after that Valentine you gave her.

Helga: Oh, please. That was just a threat to freak her out. I know she'll go, 'cause she won't wanna hurt Arnold's feelings.

Phoebe: (Putting on her earrings.) Well, I think it's crazy Helga. This spying thing is just so old hat. (Standing up from vanity mirror) So, how do I look?

Helga: Fine. Hey! Wait a minute. Who are _you _going with?

Phoebe: (Panicking, covering up.) Ah, n-no one special.

Helga: C'mon, you can tell me. I've told you about Arnold.

Phoebe: That doesn't mean I wanted to know.

Helga: Just tell me!

Phoebe: Oh, all right… It's Gerald.

Helga: (Eyes widen.) Ha! I knew it! I _knew_ it! There _is_ something going on between you two! The smiley, mushy glances at one and other… and you thought I didn't notice… shame on you.

Phoebe: Keep this quiet, Helga! Mum's the word!

Helga: Mumming. (Suppressing laughter.) Phoebe and Gerald sittin' in a tree…

Phoebe: Shut up! (Throws a pillow at Helga.)

SCENE: _In front of the Sunset Arms. The limo has arrived at the house. Helga is taking _her _masterplan into action and is draining the radiator coolant from the car._

Helga: Heh-heh-heh... They won't get far without antifreeze. (Maniacal laughter.) Wait a minute… why do I know this? (She hears the front door opening. She quickly darts out from under the car and into the alley beside the boarding house. Arnold is coming out of the door and Gerald is coming up the sidewalk.)

Gerald: You got some nice wheels there, buddy.

Arnold: Yeah, a brand-new Lincoln Continental stretch – Nothing but the best for my girl.

Gerald: I bet your "girl" set you back three months in allowance with this. Well, I'll see you later. I gotta return this DVD to the video store. Then I'm gonna go pick up my date so I'll see you there, man.

Arnold: All right, see ya. (They do the thumb-shake, _woo-woo-woo..._)

Helga: (In the alley, watches Arnold get in the limo). Let the games begin.

SCENE: _Lila's house, the limo has just pulled up and has shown no signs of acting up yet. Arnold goes up the steps and rings the bell, holding roses behind his back. Lila comes out in a sparkling silver dress (I'll let you people imagine the dresses' details, since I don't know what women wear)._

Arnold: (Looking at a fabulous Lila, wonders if he's dreaming.) Uh, (Gulps.) Hi, Lila. (Pulls out the flowers.) Ready to take off for a night of mystic enchantment?

Lila: Oh, _wow_… (Looks at the flowers, but then looks at the limo and gasps.) You really went all out, didn't you?

Arnold: Yeah… I guess…

Lila: That was ever so thoughtful of you, they're beautiful… except…

Arnold: What?

Lila: Ah… _Ah_… _AH-CHOO!_ (Spray goes all over Arnold, who is slightly grossed out.) I'm deadly allergic to long stem roses.

Arnold: I'm sorry Lila. (Gets out a handkerchief.)

Lila: It's all right. I'm allergic to a lot of plants. I think the only flower I'm not allergic to is the carnation. (Rim shot is heard.)

Arnold: Will this irony ever end?

Lila: Well, I'm sorry you wasted your money on them. Shall we be leaving? (She starts to walk over to the door.)

Arnold: Wait! (He throws the flowers aside and stops her by rushing to the door to open it.) _Now_ you may proceed.

Lila: Why, thank you… (She sits in. Arnold closes the door, gives a little wistful look upward, and walks around to the other side.)

SCENE: _Both are now in the limo headed to the dance, but soon the car starts smoking under the hood._

Arnold: Hey, what's going here, what's wrong with the car?

Eugene's Uncle: (Speaking from driver's seat.) Looks like we've overheated, friend.

Arnold: Great, there goes step number _one_.

Lila: Huh? What's step number one?

Arnold: Oh, it's nothing. I guess I'll have to get my grandpa to drive us to the dance.

Lila: Well, that's okay I guess. How are you gonna call him?

Arnold: Easily. (He rolls down the sunroof on the backseat of the limo and pokes out of it with his hands cupped around his mouth.) _Grandpa! Grandpa!_

Phil: (The view pans out and shows that the limo did not break down too far from the Sunset Arms. Grandpa walks out of the boarding house.) For cripe's sake, I can hear you! You don't need to yell!

SCENE: _Cuts to the Packard completely covered in mud and going down the street with Lila and Arnold in the back together._

Arnold: Uh, Grandpa? Why is the car so dirty?

Phil: (A little dismissive.) Oh, yeah, about that… (Scene cuts to Phil stuck at a red light tapping on the steering wheel in anticipation. A red sedan pulls up next to him. The teenager driving it looks over and revs the engine. Phil looks over, squints his eyes, and revs his engine.)

Teenager: First one to Bailey and Cheffington wins.

Phil: You're on, punk… (The light turns green and they both peel out. The one car takes a turn over onto some side street. Phil follows, and one way or another they are led to a dirt road. The teenager is taking the lead, mud is flying everywhere, and Phil is scowling. He pushes harder on the gas pedal and takes a lead. While they're driving, there's a truck carrying hay on a flatbed that has its back bent into a ramp into the air up the road. Phil smiles, drives even faster and hits the ramp _Dukes of Hazzard_ style. The other car tries the same and flips his car upside down on the dirt road. The Packard keeps travelling and Phil starts laughing… until he runs out of gas not more than a minute away from the ramp.) Oh, raspberries. (Scene cuts to Arnold, Lila and Phil in the car on their way to the dance.) And that's how I beat the speed demon himself, Junior Octane.

Arnold: (Just blinking in confusion.) Grandpa, what are you talking about?

Phil: Sometimes I wonder the same thing.

Lila: (Arnold sighs.) What's wrong, Arnold?

Arnold: Oh, nothing. I just wanted you to arrive to the dance in… style… not in a mud-caked car from some prehistoric point in time.

Lila: It's okay, Arnold. I would prefer a classic car like your grandfather's here rather than some high-tech limousine.

Arnold: Really?

Lila: Yes, Arnold, really. (Pans out and shows a taxi is following the Packard. Helga has one of those little handheld satellite things you use to hear far away conversations. She overhears Lila.) This is actually better then the limo.

Helga: Darn it, that Lila can make a good situation out of anything!

Driver: Hey, uh, does that thing actually work like this?

Helga: (Sarcastically.) Yeah… why?

Driver: Well, with the way that those things are designed, you don't think you'd be able to hear what some other people are saying in the next car ahead.

Helga: But it _is_ working… so why question it? (Driver is silent.) Yeah, that's what I thought. (Scene cuts back to the Packard.)

Phil: So, I take it you're Lila. Short-man here talks about you all the time.

Arnold: Grandpa!

Phil: Frankly, it's kind of getting on my nerves. Always yammering away when nobody else is listening, and nobody really asked what he was thinking at the time anyway, but yet he just keeps talking and talking and… (Looks to see that Arnold and Lila are eyeing him strangely, guilting him into reality. He snaps his head to the windshield.) Oh, look at that, somebody painted lines on the road.

Arnold: (Was previously frowning at his grandpa, but now apologetically turns back to Lila.) He's really exaggerating a lot.

Lila: Its okay, Arnold. I know.

Phil: (Turns back to the kids again.) Hey, you wanna see a picture of Arnold when he was young? (Starts to fumble for his wallet with one hand while driving and looking at them, but eventually takes both hands of the wheel, leaving the car to swerve in between lanes and other travellers to honk.)

Arnold: Grandpa, watch the road!

Phil: (Fumbling through his wallet.) I _know_ it's in here somewhere…

Arnold: _Grandpa!_ (Points ahead to a semi coming directly for the Packard. Look, when you're driving on the wrong side of the road, that's when the semis rule the streets, okay? Check it out. Rent a car movie. 90 percent chance of it happening.) _Look out!_

Phil: Oops! (Swerves the car back into the right lane.) Oh, wait a minute, I left your picture in my other wallet…

Arnold: (Rests his head back on the seat.) Ugh, could this night get any worse? (He suddenly gets a sparking realisation.) Grandpa, why do you have two wallets?

Phil: Why do you ask? (Long silence.) No, seriously, who sent you… (Still facing the road, he keeps looking in the wallet.)

Arnold: (To Lila.) I'm really sorry about him, he's-

Phil: Oh, found it! (Hands it to Lila. It's a picture of a baby Arnold, naked on a bearskin rug. Who doesn't have a picture like this lying around their house? Lila lets out a small giggle and tries hard to hide a smile.)

Arnold: Grandpa!

Phil: Sorry, Arnold, but that picture is _adorable_! Oh, you should see the ones we have at the house! Like this one where Arnold is…

Arnold: _Grandpa!_

Lila: _Aww_… that is just ever-so cute, Arnold. You should be thankful that your grandpa loves you so much. Ahhh… _AHHH-CHOOOO!_

Arnold: (Feeling a little better, but still sounds slightly bitter.) Yeah, I guess that is one way to look at the situation. (There's a moment of small silence, but then simultaneously, they both share a little laugh.)

Phil: Hmm… I must've left the picture of him in the panda costume in the other wallet…

SCENE: _In front of PS 118, they have just arrived in the Packard._

Arnold: (Getting out of car with Lila.) Thanks for the ride, Grandpa. Don't forget to pick us up at ten-thirty, okay?

Phil: I won't forget, short-man, don't worry. Have a good time with your friend there. (He drives the Packard away from the school and over to the intersection where he waits at a red light. Soon, the teenager's car rolls up again.)

Teenager: What do you say, old man? Do you think your luck will still hold out?

Phil: (Squints at the teenager.) Luck is just a scapegoat for sore losers!

Teenager: Bet you can't do it again!

Phil: Eat my dust, Junior Octane! (The light turns green and they both peel out. Arnold and Lila stand outside the school watching the whole thing, somewhat confused.)

Arnold: (Shrugs and gives Lila his elbow to lock arms with.) May I?

Lila: You may. (They both walk in. As soon as they're not visible, the cab carrying Helga pulls up and Helga rolls out of the door.)

Driver: You got a lot of nerve, lady!

Helga: And you wonder why I won't give you a tip! (The passenger door is still open as the cab pulls away, the force of the motion slamming the door shut.) You're lucky I paid you at all! (She turns around, trips on a small pebble and goes face down onto pavement.) Ugh, why me?

Eugene: (Pulls up to the school on his bike alone.) Hey, Helga, are you al-

Helga: (Still on the ground.) Things are bad enough already, Eugene, thanks for trying though.

SCENE: _PS 118's gym, where the dance is being hosted. Everyone you know and love is there. Arnold and Lila walk in._

Gerald: (Over by the punch bowl.) Hey, Arnold! Glad to see you finally got here. (Picks up Lila's hand daintily.) And hello to you too, Lila; you look lovely this evening.

Lila: Thank you Gerald, you look handsome yourself. (Goes to kiss Lila's fingers, but Arnold breaks it up.)

Arnold: Woah-woah-woah, this is a _semi_-formal.

Gerald: Okay, then. (Puts her hand down.) What took you two so long?

Arnold: We had some car troubles. (Looks around Gerald.) Where's your date?

Gerald: In the powder room.

Lila: Ooh, I probably should go too. If you would excuse me, I need to go to the powder room as well. (She breaks the elbow grip and walks off, looking back at Arnold and then again forward.)

Arnold: _May I say you look lovely this evening?_ What's wrong with you?

Gerald: What'd I do?

Arnold: That was one of my lines, Gerald! I don't have many to follow _that_ one up with!

Gerald. (Pouring punch.) I hope that wasn't your best of the bunch, 'cause if so, I'd hate to think of what the others are.

Arnold: (Sighs in admittance.) Whatever… this night is going wrong already. Grandpa had to drive us and he totally embarrassed me.

Gerald: (Was about to take a sip of punch but brings his cup down.) Not the bearskin rug…

Arnold: Yeah.

Gerald: Heh-heh. (Drinks some punch.)

Arnold: On top of _that_, Lila was allergic to the roses I gave her. I knew I should have gone with the carnations.

Gerald: Stop dwelling on the past Arnold. Think here and now, make the most of what you have now.

Arnold: You're right, Gerald. I'm gonna go hang with some of the guys until Lila comes back. Could you watch the CDs for me? (He puts them down on the punch table.)

Gerald: (Moving his cup around in a circular motion, swirling the punch.) Where have you been keeping those CDs before you put them on the table?

Arnold: I have pockets…

Gerald: I told you before though, that won't work: DJs won't just play the CDs you hand them. Besides, I thought you were skipping step four.

Arnold: Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures, and I'm as desperate as a… a… well, something really lost in desperation. And who knows, maybe he will, you know. Maybe he'll pull a favor for me.

Gerald: No.

Arnold: (Scowls at Gerald, and then looks at the CDs.) Fine! (Takes them off the table and starts shoving them in pockets.) Forget it! I'll figure something else out! (Walks away.)

Gerald: Yeah, sure. (Walks away from the table as well, but our attention doesn't leave.)

Helga: (Now in the dance she snuck into, pops up from under the punch table she has been hiding under.) Hmmm… so, Football-Head's trying to con Lila into like-liking him. Pssh! How pathetic! (Takes a long silent pause, staring at the ceiling and then her feet.) Screw it, its punch time.

SCENE: _Meanwhile in the powder room. Phoebe has just come out of the bathroom stall and notices Lila adjusting her makeup._

Phoebe: Hi, Lila.

Lila: Oh, hi, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Are you okay, you don't seem to be enjoying yourself.

Lila: It's not that, it's… well, it's just… (Stares at Phoebe.)

Phoebe: What?

Lila: Well, being Helga's closest friend, I assume she shares a lot of things with you? Secrets, perhaps?

Phoebe: Well, I _guess_ so. (Cocks one eyebrow.) What are we talking about? (Pauses.) Do you mean…?

Lila: (Nods head.) Uh-huh.

Phoebe: The _big_ secret?

Lila: (Nods head.) Uh-huh.

Phoebe: Ah, yes. She told me the scenario with you and the school play a while back. So you know… what's the matter?

Lila: It's just… (She sighs.) I like Arnold. He's a nice boy, but I just feel so guilty knowing that there is someone out there that's longing to be in the position I'm in now. It's just… after finding out about how Helga likes Arnold… I know now that I can't lead him on like this anymore when he does something nice for me. I keep leading him on, making him think he'll make me _like him_ like him, but I just "like him". But I don't know how to tell him. I'm oh-so confused.

Phoebe: (Lila places her hands on the counter and Phoebe comes up next to her.) I think you need to tell him. But you _can't_ tell Arnold that… (Whispers.) Helga likes him. (Talking normal.) _That_ would be way too much of a messy predicament. You need to let him down gently.

Lila: But he won't listen, he's so persistent that I'm the girl. He's hooked.

Phoebe: I know how that is, being ignored. Just let him down gently and get your point across. Maybe inside, he knows the truth, but just needs this last dance to close the door on all of this.

Lila: Thanks for the advice, Phoebe.

Phoebe: No problem, Lila. But remember, for confidential reasons; this conversation, it never happened. (Phoebe is on her way out.)

Lila: (Still looking at the mirror.) Okay.


	4. Part 3

SCENE: _Meanwhile, back in the gym._

Arnold: (Finds Gerald dancing by himself in the middle of the floor.) Hey, have you seen Lila?

Gerald: You know how long it takes for women to "freshen up". They take forever, chattin' it up, discussing beauty tips and the several uses for eyeliner pencils in cooking.

Arnold: I guess. I have to find her. If I can't play my discs to the DJ, then maybe I could just request one song. Either way, I get to dance with her, and maybe I could turn the charm on and-

Gerald: Yeah, you do that. (Starts to move away from Arnold. He shrugs and runs off to the DJ.)

Arnold: Hey, do you play requests? (The DJ sits at a booth where he has a large system operating: mixers, CD players, and two turntables that he occasionally scratches at. The DJ doesn't say anything but points to a little tablet at the table in front of him.) Thanks. (He picks up a nearby pencil and scribbles in some title we can't see. Meanwhile, Lila has come out of the washroom looking for Arnold. Helga is moving about in the crowd, always a safe distance from Arnold, but to a point where she can watch and listen with no one noticing.)

Lila: There you are, Arnold. It's ever so hard to find you in this crowd.

Arnold: (He smiles.) Funny, I could say the same for you.

Lila: Arnold? (The song stops and the DJ picks up the pad.) I have something I need to tell you…

DJ: Barry White? Geez, I might have that on vinyl. (He thumbs through a crate by his feet.)

Arnold: Really?

Lila: Yes… I was thinking it over in the ladies' room and…

DJ: (Pulls out a record with a purple sleeve and blows the dust off.) Here we go. (Leans into his microphone.) And now, by request (While talking, he's pulling the record itself out and setting it up) here's Barry White with the first slow dance of the evening. (He starts the record and a slow jam starts playing.)

Arnold: (He tucks at his outfit and tries to act in a cheesy confident, suave manner. Using one of his lines.) Would you like to dance, my spicy honey-bean?" (Reaches his hand out to Lila.)

Helga: (In the background, very depressed yet still sarcastically bitter.) His _spicy honey-bean_? Why I am even here? Arnold's doing a great job ruining his own date with these horrible one-liners. Where'd he get 'em from, the Internet?

Lila: I… (Trying to tell him but able to see that now is not the moment.) Why I'm sure I'd love to dance. (Takes his hand. Arnold gives a thumb up to the DJ, who doesn't pay attention to him at all. Lila and Arnold start to dance.)

Helga: (Her head snaps up.) I've got an idea! (She slips through the crowd, pushing people aside.) Out of my way! Girl on a mission! Coming through! (Eventually, she ends up knocking Eugene over by his shoulder and makes it to the DJ booth.) Excuse me, are you the driver of… um… shoot, I can't remember what it was…

DJ: What? What's going on with my van?

Helga: That's it, the van! There's a bunch of high school kids outside who said you DJ'd for their homecoming dance and really hated your services.

DJ: What are they doing to my van?

Helga: Well, I'm not sure, but it looks like trouble. They came in two cars, and then the other one left. Said he was going over to the hardware store to buy some spray paint and a hammer, whatever _that_ means. If you go out there now, maybe you could scare 'em away.

DJ: Oh, no! Can you watch my stuff and make sure nobody touches anything. Do you know how to work a CD player?

Helga: You know, it's been a while since they left to go to the hardware store. It's only up the street.

DJ: I'll be right back! (Runs off.)

Helga: Goodbye, DJ. (Pulls a CD out of her pocket.) Hello, German Death Metal.

Arnold: (Dancing with Lila, but seems a little unsure.) Are you having a good time?

Lila: Yeah. (Suppressing a small smile.) Arnold, I really have to… (The needle on the record is pulled across, making a sharp and disturbing noise that everyone clenches to. And then, the German Death Metal, starts playing – loud, distorted guitar riffs with fast drumbeats and a low singing voice that sounds like he's speaking tongues. Everyone stops what he or she's doing and just stares in confusion at each other.)

Helga: It's times like these, I wish I had a video camera.

DJ: (From the front entrance.) Hey! (Helga quickly runs off and disappears. The DJ goes back behind the table.) What the… I didn't know I brought _this_ disc. (Looks around.) YEAH! ROCK ON! (DJ raises his arm in a "rock on" hand fashion, a few kids in the back have started head banging. Nobody joins them.)

Arnold: Lila, I'm… This wasn't…

Lila: Oh, forget it, I can't do it! (Runs off and away from Arnold.)

Arnold: Lila! Come back! Lila! (Shrugs.) Every time I get close… something like this happens. (Walks back over to the DJ table and places his hands behind him to lean on it.) Grandpa was right. (The song stops.) Nothing ever goes as planned.

DJ: (Pulling out another CD.) "Nothing Ever Goes As Planned", Styx, from 1980, track four on the _Paradise Theater_ album.

Arnold: What?

DJ: What? I thought you were making a request. Fine, I'll put it back. (He tosses the CD behind him, not watching where it lands, and starts up a different Barry White song. He leans into the microphone.) Let's try this one once again, shall we?

Gerald: (Is dancing with Phoebe, but motions to her when he sees Arnold that he'll be right back. He walks over to Arnold.) You okay, buddy?

Arnold: No! The whole thing is a total bust! Lila just ran out on me.

Gerald: Love hurts, man.

DJ: "Love Hurts", by Nazareth, track three, side A, from the 1975 _Hair of the Dog_ album…

Gerald: (To DJ.) Hey. Shut up. (DJ scowls and goes back to his CDs.) You better catch her before she's gone for the night.

Arnold: (Sighs.) You're right. I'm gonna go find her. (Rushes out of the gym. Helga follows nearby him from a distance. Arnold walks outside of the school, while Helga runs to an unlit side of the school when he's not looking. Arnold walks out to the sidewalk near the street, searching up and down but seeing nobody else.) Lila? _Lila?_ (He slouches down, figuring that any chance he might have had has just been missed. Slowly, he trudges back over to the school stoop. Helga in the bush near by presses her back up against it trying to remain as still as possible. He starts whispering to himself.) _I'm doomed_…

Sid: (Walks out of a blue car that pulls up with some anonymous girl. He makes his way to the stoop.) Hey, Arnold, what's going on?

Arnold: My date bailed on me.

Sid: Aw, man… You were with Lila, right?

Arnold: Yeah…

Sid: Do you need a ride or something? I can tell my father that- (As soon as he starts, the car speeds away from the school.) Okay, then… I have a cell phone you can use.

Arnold: (Looks up to Sid.) Where'd you get a cell phone?

Sid: We don't talk about such things. (He pulls it out of his jacket.) Do you want to use it?

Arnold: (Caving in, he holds his hand out to receive the phone.) Yeah. Thanks.

Sid: Anytime, man. Just give it back to me on Monday. I promised the lady here a few dances. (He looks over to her and they share a laugh. Sid looks over back to Arnold, sighing in grief.) Um… don't worry about it, man, things'll get better. Have a good night, Arnold. (He walks in.)

Arnold: Have a good night, Sid and… whoever you are. (They've already walked inside of the school. Arnold flips the phone open and dials up his grandfather. Helga, up against the side of the school trying to stay as quiet as possible, pulls out her locket.)

Helga: Oh, Arnold, why must I cause you so much pain? True, I may have driven away the only competition that stood in my way to you, but in return I leave you as a sad, joyless shell of a football-shaped head. Oh, why, Arnold? Why must I be so unkind and betraying? Why can't I just be honest with the way I feel? _Why!_

Lila: (Standing right next to Helga in a spot the "camera" hadn't shown before.) Hi, Helga.

Helga: What the-? (Slaps a hand over her mouth, remembering she has to be silent.) _Lila! What are you doing?_

Lila: The same thing you are: hiding from Arnold.

Helga: But why? He's crazy for you. You're breaking the poor kid's heart!

Lila: I tried to break things off with him, Helga. I couldn't bear to do it. If I told him at the dance when he was most happy, it would completely crush him. If I told him after his happiness faded, it would just crush him even harder. I figured I should just… run. Maybe then he'd just blame it on the moment and not me.

Helga: Lila, look at him now! He's already broken! You can't just expect to run away from all of your problems and _hope_ they all turn for the better! You need to give him some kind of closure! Do you think you can just leave the dance and suddenly he'll get all like, "Gee, maybe Lila really doesn't like me like that?" There is a boy on those steps right now completely destroyed because of how you left! (She grabs Lila by the shoulders.) Just _tell_ him!

Arnold: (Folds the phone back up.) Hello? Is somebody out there?

Helga: (Scowling at Lila.) You have to do this.

Lila: (Starting to tear up in the eye.) Yeah…

Arnold: Hello?

Lila: (Walks from the side of the school.) Hi, Arnold.

Arnold: Lila! Look, about inside-

Lila: Arnold, we need to talk. I…

Arnold: Is it the music? I'm sorry about that. Can we try again? Please? Just one last dance…

Lila: Arnold, listen, I…

Phil: (At that moment, the Packard noisily pulls up and Phil sounds the horn.) Come on, short-man! It's time to get – hey, wait. I thought you said…

Arnold: Do you want to go home or stay here?

Lila: (Looks back to the school and back to Arnold.) I think it's time we leave. (They both start walking over to the Packard.)

Phil: See, I thought I was only picking up Arnold this time from our quick little talk on the phone, and I went and bought him a Vanilla shake. I didn't get one for you, Lila, but if you want you guys can split or something. Neither one of you is sick, right?

Arnold: It's okay, I don't want it. You can have it Lila.

Lila: I can't take that. You go ahead.

Arnold: I really don't want it.

Lila: I insist.

Phil: Now, now, the boy said he didn't want it, and we should respect this decision. Now, as the tiebreaker, I think it's only fair that I, the middleman, should take the shake. (He sips from a straw as they get inside the car.) _Mmm_… _Vanilla goodness_… Okay, let's go! (He goes to press down on the gas pedal. The wheels on the car spin briefly, but they soon stop and the car dies.) What in the Sam Hill? (He looks and his gas gauge is on empty.) _Curses on you, Junior Octane!_

SCENE: _A tow truck carries the Packard to the alley on the side of the Sunset Arms near Arnold's fire escape. Arnold, Lila, and Phil all stand outside watching the car roll in from the steps. The truck driver comes out with a clipboard and a bad haircut._

Driver: I got some paperwork you need to sign regarding the, uh… uh… fees and what-not to tow this hunk of junk back here. Do you mind if we discuss this away from the children?

Phil: What are we talking about? My bill or a mob favor?

Driver: My company, we like to keep our business private – no outside parties. Can we please discuss this inside?

Phil: (Rolls his eyes.) Fine, we'll go inside. (To Arnold.) If I'm not back in ten minutes, wake up Pookie.

Arnold: Got 'cha. (The driver and Phil walk inside of the boarding house. At the same time, Helga creeps up the alley where Arnold's fire escape is and stays close to the corner where he can't see but she can hear.) So Lila, did you have a good time? Even though it all went… well, wrong?

Lila: Don't be so hard on yourself, Arnold.

Arnold: But… I just wanted the night to be special. Nothing I tried to make it that way worked. I mean… maybe… I don't know…

Lila: What?

Arnold: Well… maybe after tonight, do you think you now sort of "_like me_ like me"?

Lila: (Stares at an innocent looking Arnold, knowing she doesn't want to but needs to tell him.) I'm perfectly certain that… no, I don't.

Helga: (To herself, somewhat depressed.) The masterplan is complete.

Arnold: (Clenched fists, now is very angry.) _Agggh!_

Lila: Look, I'm sorry, but… Arnold, what's wrong?

Arnold: This! I'm sick of this game you play with me. You lead me on, you make me think I've made a change, and then look at the result! Not to mention the money I've spent on you to try and keep you happy and make a good impression. You remember the Cheese Festival? I dropped twenty bucks on the cheese ball toss alone! I just spent three months allowance on a limo that overheated! I'm sick of it Lila, I'm sick and tried. Why don't you give me a reason? I mean… I know you're the one for me.

Lila: (In a manner of pleading.) No. Arnold, no I'm not.

Arnold: But-

Lila: Arnold, you're a nice boy, and any girl would be lucky to be with you. But I'm not the one though. (Helga leans in anticipation to what she is going to say next.) I just – I don't know how to explain it. It's not me.

Arnold: But I just…

Lila: (She puts her hand on Arnold's shoulder.) Look deep down, Arnold. I know that if you look inside, past all of what your mind is telling you and what your heart knows as the truth, you'll know that there is someone else. Someone who will like you like the way you like me. Just look inside, Arnold. I think you'll find her. (With that, Lila gives Arnold a bittersweet "this is the way it has to be" kiss on the cheek and starts walking down to her house. Arnold stands on the steps of the boarding house, watching Lila walk away.)

Lila: (Turns around.) You're a great guy, Arnold. I'll see you in school on Monday.

Arnold: (Slowly waves her good-bye as she continues walking away. He knew she was right. There was someone else; there was only one person that would like him the way he liked Lila. He didn't dwell on the fact that Lila knew, but he knew that if he ever wanted to have a chance at Helga, he knew someday he would have to confront her about what happened on that windy night atop the FTI building. He took a look at the night sky filled with stars and walked into the house. As he stepped inside, he rubbed his cheek where he was kissed. Helga has now moved from the corner of the house to the living room window where she sees Arnold in the hallway. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper, which he begins to unfold.) Number five – Make an overall great impression on Lila and get a goodnight kiss. (He balls the paper up and throws it away, smiling.)

SCENE: _Helga, watching Arnold throw the paper away, turns with her back to the wall and away from the window in joy. Lila notices her from the sidewalk and begins walking up the alley._

Helga: (Trying to act casual.) Oh, h-hi Lila. Fancy meeting you here.

Lila: He's yours now.

Helga: (Slouches.) I know I was kind of harsh back there. I mean, not what I said to you, that was all called for; I'm talking about everything _before_ that. All the plotting and all… but you probably don't know what I'm talking about.

Lila: (Crosses her arms.) You really don't think I didn't see you creeping in the shadows of everywhere? That I didn't see you in the cab behind the Packard? At the DJ booth?

Helga: Huh? How'd…

Lila: Please, Helga, you _really_ think I didn't notice? It doesn't take a genius to know that a limo company would service their car before they sent it out. There's a slim chance that it would all of a sudden and mysteriously overheat.

Helga: (Giving in.) What can I say, Lila? You know how I feel about him. I just couldn't stand it to see him with you again. From the looks of it, neither could you.

Lila: I know Helga, I know. That's why I did what I had to do, 'cause I know I'm not the one. I mean, I don't know who is really, but I think he knew as well as I did.

Helga: By the way, what you did back there… thanks, Lila. Thanks a lot. I can't believe you did that for me.

Lila: No problem, Helga. He's all yours now. (They both look up at Arnold's skylight, he's just turned off the light and went to bed.) Make the most of it.

Helga: I will, Lila. Thanks again.

Lila: (After sharing their little moment, Lila starts to walk off to her house, but stops quickly.) Oh, Helga. All that stuff you said about running away from my problems and how I needed to tell him. You should think about it yourself. See ya later, Helga. (Walks out of the alley.)

Helga: (Looking as Lila walks away, Helga leans up against the boarding house and takes out her locket. She stares at it passionately, knowing that someday her and Arnold would confront the situation they were in. She takes a deep breath and stares up at the night sky.)

FINISH: _Then we go to a shot of Arnold's room, above his bed. He isn't sleeping, but he too is looking up to the night sky, thinking about what the cosmos have in store for him…_

**End**


	5. Author Commentary

With the long and drawn out history of this fanfic, I thought it fit to fill you guys in with some "DVD extras" per say. To tell you what was changed and cut from the story to see what it was like originally, plus show you some other ideas that while they were good – just didn't fit in the story in a reasonable way. Also, I'm using this as a chance to fill you in on stuff you may have not caught (references and such) while reading this story.

-I'll open this commentary from a good quote Shaun made when he first read the story: You need to throw more into it though. A little more soul. Try not so much as to think about how the story's gonna work for ya, but how the characters are gonna work. Think of all that small talk we take for granted. Think of all the little things and quirks that make the show worth watching.

-I took the title of this story from a 1995 Oasis B-side of the same name. The two have nothing to do with each other, but it was my fourth idea for a title. Other names for the story that I first thought of: The End of Lila, The Crush Gets Crushed, Endings & Beginnings. Ones proposed by Shaun: About A Girl, Unreciprocated, Tell Me When, Everything & Nothing, Loved and Lost, Crushed, The Next Page, One More Dance.

-I thought of changing the grades, as the characters were talking more along the lines of middle school. I was thinking about making it take place in sixth grade, but somehow I'd have to weave that in without being too cheesy about it, nor just flat out saying it. Rather, I left it alone and trapped them in that fourth grade universe. Or you could use your imagination and put them in fifth. Not much difference either way.

_Gerald: (Singing along to music.) Uh-uh-uh, come on, girl…shake ya tail now…  
_-His original line: "Move somethin' shake something, shake ya tailfeather…" At the time of writing this, the song "Shake Ya Tailfeather" by P. Diddy, Nelly & Murphy Lee was a hot track for the _Bad Boys II_ movie. It was decided not to put in the actual song's name, but some other lyrics instead.

_Gerald: (Lifting headphones.) You've got a lot of nerve interrupting my Fluff Father CD.  
_-A blatantly obvious reference to Puff Daddy, who now goes by P. Diddy.

_Gerald: (Takes his headphones off.) Didn't we have this same conversation once before? In fact, I think this is the same bus and same seat we were sitting in too… which means that there must be a glitch in the mat…  
_-Shaun stuck in this line. Gerald was about to say "matrix", as reference to the popular series of _The Matrix_ films. Moreover, this is a reference to the beginning of the episode "_Love And Cheese_".

_Arnold: Well, yeah, but we can't forget that at one time…  
__Gerald: Ruth.  
__Arnold: What?  
_-To quote Shaun: I just like bringing her up. I used to do it all the time, but then I saw the Valentine's Day episode where he realizes she's an idiot. So I like rubbing it in his face.

_Arnold: Not this time, Gerald. This time I will change her mind. One way or another, she will be mine, Gerald. Oh yes, she will be mine.  
_-The "Oh yes, she will be mine" line was taken from the 1992 movie _Wayne's World_, thus its reference in the next line by Gerald.

_Arnold: (Has his devious planning face on, sort of a Mr. Burns hand thing going when he says "excellent". Totally oblivious to what Gerald said.) Yes…  
_-Unless you've been living underground for the past fifteen years, you know this reference is to _The Simpsons_.

_Gerald: (Mouth full of food.) Isn't that a Paula Abdul song?  
_-Yes, the song "Opposites Attract" is off her debut release _Forever Your Girl_ from 1988. It has quite the memorable music video to go with it; Paula dancing with cartoon cats – the animation techniques are similar to those used in the 1988 film _Who Framed Rodger Rabbit?_.

_Gerald: I hope so, 'cause you're one big fool. (Rim shot.) Did you just hear that?  
_-A rim shot is that little drum noise you'll hear usually during late night talk shows, and in a lot of the jokes on _Hey Arnold!_, to emphasize the punch line of a joke. _Duhn-da-duhn, chhhhhhh!_

_Arnold: Eugene's uncle is a driver for the limo service here in town. I asked if he could cut me a deal.  
_-Shaun had another idea for this character, here he explains it: I'm not gonna do it because I think it would throw the story really off balance, but I think it'd be funny if instead the driver was Sheena's Uncle Earl; he had a change of profession. "Argh, this here motor vehicle reminds me of when I used to work the coal room on the Queen Victoria…"

_Helga: (She's sitting at her usual table with Phoebe looking over at all fallen Eugene…) Poor, poor loser. (…then her eyes shift to Arnold as she listens to his conversation with Gerald.)  
_-These were the original directions: (Looking over at Eugene, the camera follows with her eyes as she shifts over to Arnold's table. She's sitting with Phoebe at their usual table, eavesdropping on Arnold and Gerald's conversation.) As you can see, the newer directions work much better.

_Helga: (Her fist is making a direct line to Brainy's face, but she turns her head and stops her fist just as it is going to make impact.) Brainy, what happened to your glasses?  
_-I was opting to use the directions "an inch way from his face while he winces at the incoming pain", but I decided to leave it the way it was.

_Helga: (Aside.) Now back to the issue at hand. I gotta stop Lila from going along with Arnold to the dance, but how? I mean, what if this time she actually gives in? What if this time his hair-brain scheme will actually work? I can't let it happen! He will be mine! Oh, yes, he will be… (Bowl of pudding flies through the air and hits Helga in the face. She scowls over at Harold pointing at her and laughing.)  
_-The original line: "Not a bad way to give Ol' Betsy a rest if I do say so myself. Now back to the issue at hand. I gotta stop Lila from going along with Arnold to the dance. The boy is mine. Yes Lila, I'm sorry that you, seemed to be confused – he belongs to me, the boy is mine." This was taken out as it was an unexciting spoof of the Brandy & Monica hit "The Boy Is Mine" (1997). It was appropriate, but later on felt misplaced and was replaced with the more established _Wayne's World_ type line like Arnold said before on the bus.

_Gerald: (Hand on forehead.) Are you trying to sound like some John Hughes movie?  
_-In case you don't know who he is, he's the writer/director of such classic 80's teen films as _Weird Science_, _The Breakfast Club_, _Sixteen Candles_, and _Pretty In Pink_.

_Arnold: Yeah, but I needed to fill the void where number four was. Any way you slice it, this is a sure-fire way for me to win her over.  
_-The original line: "Uh, well…when you write your _own_ masterplan you can make it anyway you want." The newer line just had more zeal than the older one.

_Gerald: It's a semi-formal occasion, which means you're supposed to dress up, but not like you're going to a church or anything. It's like a casual sort of dance. A mix between dressing up like a gentleman… and dressing up like you do now_.  
-The original line: "It's dressing up, but not like you're going to a prom or anything. It's like a casual sort of dance. A mix between dressing up like a gentleman…and dressing up like a slob." The newer line was better sounding. Shaun liked it, as it has that innocent little lesson learned "the more you know" kind of thing.

_Arnold: Okay, well, I understand… wait, you said yes? (She smiles and nods.) Yes! (Does a "puntish schwing" kind of body gesture.) I mean... (Regaining his dignity.) thank you so much, Lila, I promise you won't regret your choice. How about I pick you up at seven?  
_-For the life of me, I could not find a term to properly explain the move I had Arnold doing. You kick up a knee, and have something like the whole "cha-ching" cash register thing, where you're not doing the _Wayne's World_ "schwing", but where you just kind of pull an elbow like you're opening a cash register. C'mon people, you know the move! It's been done in film and TV! If you know the proper name, e-mail me!

_Arnold: (Singing along.) You spin me right round baby, right round like a record baby, right round, round, round…  
_-Shaun thought it better not to sing the actual 1985 Dead Or Alive song "You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)", but sing something very similar as cartoons always parody things like this. He loved how cartoons always have to modify and mock pop culture in a way that they won't be sued. He recommended "I get twirled in a circle, baby, circular like a CD, spinning in a circle... ", but I _hate_ when cartoons do that. It was then I was thinking of switching the lyrics to the 1986 Genesis song "Invisible Touch"…

_She seems to have an invisible touch yeah  
She reaches in, and grabs right hold of your heart  
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah  
It takes control and slowly tears you apart_

…That whole song sums up how Lila is like in this story, but in the end I decided to keep the lyrics the way they were.

_Then you're eighty-one and you've ended up married to a woman who thinks the song "It's Raining Men" was a weather advisory set to music;  
_-This song is by one-hit-wonders The Weather Girls (1983).

-The whole process of going to the dance was re-worked. The revised version as you see had Lila getting picked up with the flowers, Arnold and Lila in the limo, and it became overheated and Phil had to pick them up and drive them to the dance. Then Helga follows behind in a taxi. The original concept was after Arnold picked up Lila at her house, they would first stop by Ms. Vitello's flower shop to pick up some flowers, and the limo would overheat there and Helga has caught up to them and hides in a garbage can by the shop to watch the events unfold. Phil shows up in the dirty Packard after Arnold calls him via the limo driver's cell phone. Arnold runs into the flower shop to get the flowers, and while Phil and Lila are waiting for his return, Helga would somehow jimmie her way into the truck of the Packard so she could listen in on the conversations. It was then the "allergic to the roses" bit came into play, and some bad lines were cut just because they sucked in the way they were worded. _Then_ they would be on their way to the dance. There was also a scene change stuck in there with all that mess. As you see, the newer idea cut out an unnecessary extra stop, re-works the whole process of going to the dance and eliminated a scene change that didn't need to be there.

_Arnold: Easily. (He rolls down the sunroof on the backseat of the limo and pokes out of it with his hands cupped around his mouth.) Grandpa! Grandpa!  
_-I, for some reason, always saw this scene where Arnold would flash "The Grandpa Signal" in the sky and Phil comes out of the Sunset Arms saying something Batman like, such as, "Another person of the city in peril, Grandpa to the rescue!" Shaun recommended, "Quick! The school dance is already in progress and innocent children's social lives are in my hands! To the Packard!" I was really thinking about changing it, but just didn't bother. But at least you know the alternate lines.

_Arnold: Uh, Grandpa? Why is the car so dirty?  
_-Originally, I mentioned the Packard got muddy from Phil off-roading it before he went to pick up Arnold and Lila. Shaun thought of the genius idea behind "Junior Octane" and I thought it was hilarious and a brilliant way to explain why the Packard got all filthy. He's also behind much of the dialogue between the three of them in the car going to the dance.

_Helga: And you wonder why I won't give you a tip! (The passenger door is still open as the cab pulls away, the force of the motion slamming the door shut.) You're lucky I paid you at all! (She turns around, trips on a small pebble and goes face down onto pavement.) Ugh, why me?  
_-Going by my above notes about the changes of some scenes, here is what was supposed to happen after Arnold and Lila walk in the school: (Helga opens the trunk proceeding to get out. And just as she does Phil starts up the Packard and it starts moving. Helga loses her balance and trips out of the trunk and faceplantes on the pavement. Ouch! The trunk shuts itself and Phil is off to do more off-roading.) Faceplates was possibly going to be replaced by "forcibly dives on to the pavement face first", but that never happened as things were changed for Helga to show up in a taxi.

-The entire gym scene with the music was changed, along with part of the ending. I wrote the story assuming you actually could give DJs CDs to play, but Shaun informed me otherwise. Arnold was to put the CDs down on the punch table, and then go mingle with the guys while Lila was in the powder room. He asks Gerald to watch the CDs, but doesn't really pay an attention to them while drinking his punch. With his back turned, Helga, who was hiding under the table, switches the CDs. Then we have the washroom scene with Lila and Phoebe which stayed the same. Coming back to the gym, Arnold grabs his CDs off the table with Gerald sticking in the line "I hope you brought earplugs for everyone". Arnold then asks the DJ to play certain tracks off the CDs, as Helga just switched the CDs themselves and not the cases. Lila comes out of the washroom looking for Arnold, Helga goes back into hiding. Arnold finds Lila, thumbs up to the DJ and the CDs start playing. The roar of a screaming electric guitar bellows through the speakers (more specifically the beginning to Metallica's 1984 song "Ride The Lightning"). This is followed by Arnold yelling at the DJ to switch tracks and CDs, which result in the songs "Crazy Train" (Ozzy Osbourne, 1980), "I Was Made For Loving You" (Kiss, 1979), and "Highway To Hell" (AC/DC, 1979) being played. A disgruntled Arnold goes over to the DJ to find his CDs have been replaced by _Classic Rock of the 70's_ and _Metal Hits of the 80's_. Again, some bad/cheesy Arnold and Lila lines were cut out. Helga had some sort of Charlie Brown type line saying, "That Lila is just as optimistic as the stupid football head. I can't stand it, I just can't stand it!" Arnold and Lila would eventually have a dance. Then Phil would come and pick up the kids at the school, drive them to the Sunset Arms (which made no sense cause he needed to drop Lila off first), pull up in front of the building and leave the couple to discuss the night on the stoop of the boarding house. From then on the story stays as it does. As you can see from the newer current version, all of this was rewritten to have Arnold making the requests, Helga distracting the DJ to put on her music, Lila runs out and later Arnold calls Phil via Sid's cell phone to get picked up and then finds Lila. And then Phil runs out of gas because of more "Juniors Octane" madness. I loved how that came full circle. So…are you as confused as me? I tried to explain that as clearly as possible.

-Shaun proposed a total other idea to the whole song request thing and gym scene. Here from an e-mail excerpt, he explains it: Maybe if he had contacted the DJ before the dance and given a list...and maybe Helga swapped the list...or find something else that you can replace the whole music thing. BETTER YET! Take Lila to dinner, have Arnold scheduled for the band to play something like "Lost In Your Eyes" or "The Best of Times", but Helga changes it to something like "Shake Ya Tailfeather", "The Thong Song", or "She Hates Me". Got an idea – something happens at the dance: maybe Helga has some _Carrie_-esque plan for Lila. Maybe she drenches her in fruit punch...because blood is just sick to her. Give them an excuse to go back and get dressed. Maybe Lila can wear one of Arnold's shirts or something.

-On another note, I don't think PS 118 has a gym after all. In the series, they either went to the YMAA like in "_April Fools Day_", or the Community Center like in "_6th Grade Girls_". Changing it now would be stupid as the whole story would have to been re-written in areas, _again_, and that's not going to happen. Let's just all imagine they do have a gym, alright? To quote Shaun about this topic: Well, when in doubt, f--- with people. Do what I do, play off the characters. "Since when did our school have a gym?" "We've always had a gym." "But I don't remember-" "_We've always had a gym!_"

_Helga: (Now in the dance she snuck into, pops up from under the punch table she had been hiding under.) Hmmm… so, Football-Head's trying to con Lila into like-liking him. Pssh! How pathetic! (Takes a long silent pause, staring at the ceiling and then her feet.) Screw it, it's punch time.  
_-If you didn't understand her long pause, I'll fill you in: she's reflecting back on herself.

_DJ: Barry White? Geez, I might have that in vinyl. (He thumbs through a crate by his feet.)  
_-I had a crazy idea for Arnold to sing the words to "Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe" to Lila, but thought it would be out of character.

_Helga: Goodbye, DJ. Pulls a CD out of her pocket. Hello, German Death Metal.  
_-It's not the name of a band, but a genre of music. Do a Google search if you don't believe me!

_DJ: (From the front entrance.) Hey! (Helga quickly runs off and disappears. The DJ goes back behind the table.) What the… I didn't know I brought this disc. (Looks around.) YEAH! ROCK ON! (DJ raises his arm in a "rock on" hand fashion, a few kids in the back have started head banging. Nobody joins them.)  
_-You know, the "rock on" symbol: middle and ring finger down, index and pinkie pointing out, thumb placement is optional.

_Arnold: (Looks up to Sid.) Where'd you get a cell phone?  
__Sid: We don't talk about such things. (He pulls it out of his jacket.) Do you want to use it?  
_-Shaun's little tribute to the episode "_Deconstructing Arnold_".

_Phil: See, I thought I was only picking up Arnold this time from our quick little talk on the phone, and I went and bought him a Vanilla shake. I didn't get one for you, Lila, but if you want you guys can split or something. Neither one of you is sick, right?  
_-To quote Shaun: I don't know why, but I love the Junior Octane joke. I also like with how quick Phil shows up when you think about it, and still had time to buy a vanilla shake.

-Where the story ends was probably the most screwed up part of the story, made all the worse since I hadn't seen the show in a while and my mind was fuzzy on certain things. Surprisingly, at the time I posting this story here, I had about 80 HA! episodes on my computer (thanks to some dedicated fans) and it made me remember many things. First off, I was questioning if Phil's car could be parked on the left side of the boarding house by the fire escape. I needed the tow truck scene to be at the front of the house, not at the back where the garage is. I referenced several episodes that have different shots of the house in them and the alley space differs episode to episode. In the end, I deemed it fine and that problem was put to rest. The next problem was the placement of the characters as Lila walked away from Arnold. This was the way I had it planned from the beginning – Lila would walk off and find Helga in the alley. I guess Lila would have to be walking pretty slow to have Arnold watch her walk away for a bit and then look at the night sky, and then go into the house where he reads his list, throws it away and Helga sees it. _Then_ Lila starts walking up the alley. At first, I couldn't remember if there were windows for that side of the house, but there was. And in my mind I could see what Helga could see – staring through the living room window and seeing Arnold in the hallway through the entrance to the living room. Before that, I had the dimensions and rooms of the boarding house mixed up (as they messed up **many** times in the series itself) and thought Helga would be looking through the kitchen window. The kitchen is actually at the back of the house where the backyard is. It was originally planned Lila would cut through the alley to get home and find Helga in the alley by surprise, while Helga was in the process of dumping the spy outfit and was wearing her pink dress, but still had messed up hair and black makeup under her eyes. Now Lila would finally know it was Helga that tampered with the evening. As you have read though, Lila and Helga met at the dance first when they were hiding from Arnold. Then Lila spotted Helga from the side of the boarding house in the process of walking home, obliviously knowing Helga was there for a reason – and that was to see if her plan had worked. Technicalities aside, that last scene _does_ work the way it sits. I remember racking my brain out for hours wondering where each character would be at each moment. I suppose for a time delay to the alley scene, Lila could have fixed her shoe if it became undone, or something.

-When I was confused about the character placement at the end of the story and how I wanted Arnold and Lila alone on the stoop, Shaun thought a funny scene that moved the tow truck elsewhere. Perhaps Tow Truck Thug went and helped Phil push the Packard in the garage, while Pookie whipped them like Egyptian builders. Then, tow truck gone, Phil and Pookie are in the boarding house. It was a good idea, but I really didn't know how to fit it into the ending, so I abandoned it. It was just for some small comic relief anyway. Now looking back on it, I wish I had included more crazy Grandma antics.

_Helga: (To herself, somewhat depressed.) The masterplan is complete.  
_-At first, I wrote it so Helga was happy she ruined their evening. But it worked better if she felt guilty. Helga may be conniving, but she does feel compassionate when she knows what she's done is hurting Arnold.

_Number five – Make an overall great impression on Lila and get a goodnight kiss. (He balls the paper up and throws it away, smiling.)  
_-The original line: "(Feeling his cheek where he was kissed.) I guess #5 kinda worked." Arnold was supposed to be really down at this point, but Shaun changed it up. When I read the rewritten part the first time, I didn't know where Shaun was coming from. It took me a while to get why Arnold would be smiling. Shaun didn't want him to feel depressed about the whole crush on Lila coming to an end; he wanted him to be happy. To quote Shaun: If he can happily end the whole Lila thing, he can truly be over it. Throwing the paper away kind of symbolizes that he's done with it. I don't want him to be bitter.

Well, that's all folks! I can finally put this story to rest and move on with other projects! Keep a look out for my new writings as they pop up from time to time. Many thanks to the readers who read this fic – I'm glad the story went over well with so many fans. Thank you, and goodnight. :)


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